The Jon Gruden Pre-Game Experience: Week One at Seattle

Through back channels, The Sporting Orange has acquired Jon Gruden's schedule for Sunday. (All times eastern.) -MLM

3:17am: Wakes up. Goes to room door to pick up Sunday paper.

3:18am: Arrives at front desk and asks attendant, “Where the fuck is my Sunday paper?” Attendant says it’s 12:18am and the paper will not arrive for another five hours. Gruden realizes his alarm is on Tampa time. Reaches across desk and punches out attendant. Says ‘fuck’ for second time.

3:20am: Goes back to bed.

3:30am: Realizing he cannot get back to sleep, he calls in GM Bruce Allen to rub his back until Gruden is asleep. Allen refuses. Gruden says ‘fuck’ for third time.

3:31am: Allen arrives in Gruden’s room.

3:35am: Gruden is asleep.

7:00am: Gruden wakes up again and heads out for Starbucks. After realizing Starbucks will not open for another hour, Gruden heads to Puget Sound to club and eat a baby seal with his bare hands. Has trouble washing the blood off his face. Says ‘fuck’ for tenth time.

8:00am: Finally arrives at Starbucks to get an Italian Roast. Sits in restaurant and begins scripting first 20 plays. Play breakdown: 15 pass, 5 punt.

9:30am: Wakes up Gradkowski and tells him, “Those mean men from ESPN won’t find you hiding in our depth chart.”

10:00am: Passes Chris Simms in hotel hallway.

Gruden: Hey, Chris, feeling good today?
Simms: Actually, yeah, I’m excited.
Gruden: You know, I get a kick out of looking at that badass scar you got. Mind if I take a look? Simms: Um, ok. [Lifts up shirt]
Gruden: Wow, those surgeons really fucked this up. Especially right here. [Gruden punches the spot he just poked. Simms drops to the floor and rolls around in agony.]

11:00am: Trainer visits with Gruden during team breakfast and tells Gruden that Simms is unavailable for today’s game.

11:15am: Gaines Adams takes the last of the bacon. Gruden says ‘fuck’ for 14th time.

12:00pm: Gives Derrick Brooks throat slash gesture as Brooks reads from the Bible during team prayer meeting.

12:30pm: Team leaves for stadium.

1:30pm: Begins breaking down film of Oregon-Michigan game in case Gruden’s agent calls Michigan next week.

2:30pm: Meets with Mike Holmgren during team warm-ups. Gruden asks him if Seattle has any job openings. Holmgren says no, but that he’ll put in a good word at the AAFL. Gruden says ‘fuck’ for 27th time.

3:00pm: Notifies Jeffy Garcia of scripted plays. Garcia puts down his issue of Playgirl to take a look.

3:30pm: Gruden helps Jerramy Stevens get ready for his return by helping him finish a fridge pack of Miller High Life.

3:45pm: Tells Cadillac to not even bother putting pads on. It’s all Mike Fucking Pittman today.

3:55pm: Gruden makes intense faces for sideline camera. Then he realizes he was not live. Says ‘fuck’ for 35th time.

4:00pm: Gruden’s last season in Tampa Bay begins.

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Hey kids! It’s the official Sporting Orange ‘Fire Jon Gruden Bandwagon’!


You may ask, “mlm, why is the bandwagon a B-52 this season?” Well, let me answer that for you, dear reader. As many of you know, the bandwagon was getting crowded last season. I looked at Boeing and Airbus, but MacDill Air Force Base had this B-52 lying around with live warheads and I jumped on it. I don’t want to use the bombs. Hopefully, they scare Gruden into quitting. But I took a class and I know how to use them.